


The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy pilot spec: DON'T PANIC

by VincentEL



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: Adaptation, Episode: s01e01 Pilot, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 11:41:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20638580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VincentEL/pseuds/VincentEL
Summary: Ford Prefect is a travel writer stranded on some backwater planet named after dirt. Arthur Dent is a native of said planet, who finds himself in conflict with the local government. Then the Vogon fleet arrives.Pilot teleplay for a fake Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy TV series. Done as an exercise in expansive adaptation and a fun thing to read with friends (and it was; feel free to try it). Was never meant to be a real thing. Contains expanded backstory to make up for lack of narration.





	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy pilot spec: DON'T PANIC

**Author's Note:**

> This might be a bit unorthodox for a fanfic site, but I did this purely as a writing exercise. This is a pilot script for a hypothetical Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy TV series (not the one in development at Hulu; this was written before that was announced and was never meant to be sold or even seen by anyone except friends in a group reading). The challenge I set out for myself was to adapt the beginning of the first book (and, by extension, radio series) for a visual medium without relying on tools such as voice over narration (not counting when the Guide is speaking within the scene) and descriptions of visual elements and past events, while still conveying the information and humor found in the prose. This means I had to invent entirely new scenes (and minor characters) based on things that were only passingly mentioned or hinted at in the source material in order to get some ideas across, and I tried my best to channel Douglas Adams's voice and tone. I also aimed to expand on the story in ways that only television could. As a result, the story begins at an earlier point than any existing version, and focuses as much on Ford as on Arthur. Sadly there's not a large amount of Trillian and Zaphod in it (sorry, Tripod fans, they're in it but not much), but feel free to imagine that the second episode is all about them and takes place in parallel, expanding on their backstory in a similar way, as that's what I'd write next if I were inclined to continue the exercise (which I briefly considered actually doing, but then the Hulu announcement came and it seemed less important).
> 
> Sorry about the weird formatting. This site hates script format, so I had to improvise.

Twitter: @VincentEL

INT. MEGADODO PUBLICATIONS - CORRIDOR

As we track through the corridor, we hear the voice of the  
HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY calmly delivering the facts  
in a deadpan yet friendly manner.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨GUIDE (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The Hitchhiker's Guide to the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Perhaps the most remarkable,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨certainly the most successful book  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ever to come out of the great  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨publishing corporations of Ursa  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Minor.

We pass the occasional alien creature or robot, going one way  
or the other, some going through doors. In all its mundanity,  
this is a strange place. There are promotional posters for  
their nonfiction books on the walls, including their popular  
travel guide The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨GUIDE (V.O.) (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨More popular than The Celestial  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Home Care Omnibus, better selling  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨than Fifty-three More Things to do  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨in Zero Gravity, and more  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨controversial than Oolon  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Colluphid's trilogy of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨philosophical blockbusters, Where  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨God Went Wrong, Some More of God's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Greatest Mistakes, and Who is this  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨God Person Anyway?

We reach the lobby, which is filled with grubby-looking  
hitchhikers waiting to complain about the Guide's many  
inaccuracies. They've been instructed "YOU MUST TAKE A SEAT."  
by a very obvious SIGN. Most of them have a copy of the  
Guide, which is an electronic device, about the size of a  
large smartphone, but with a hinge and a keyboard. Not like a  
laptop, but each side of the hinge is half screen (one side  
for text, one for imagery) and half keyboard, so it opens  
like a book, and on the cover, the tagline "DON'T PANIC" is  
printed in larger text than the title. This is when we find  
out we've been hearing the voice of one of these devices.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨GUIDE (V.O.) (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's already supplanted the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Encyclopedia Galactica as the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨standard repository of all  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨knowledge and wisdom, for two  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨important reasons. First, it's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨slightly cheaper; and secondly it  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨has the words DON'T PANIC printed  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨in large friendly letters on its  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨cover.

Never mind that, through the door bursts a humanoid (passing  
for human, but just odd enough to convince you he might not  
be). This is FORD PREFECT. That's not his name, but it will  
be, and he's got no time for waiting around, so let's just  
call him that. He looks a mess. He's been roughed up  
something fierce by recent circumstances, and all he has left  
is tattered clothing, a towel, and his scuffed copy of the  
Guide. He does not take a seat. He doesn't even stop. He  
proclaims his intent in full motion, waving his Guide in the  
air as if it means anything.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I need to speak to the editor!

The large, pink-winged, tentacled insectoid at the reception  
is not okay with this.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MEGADODO RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Read the sign! There is a sign!

Ford calmly stops and, without turning, walks back to point  
at the sign.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨This sign?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MEGADODO RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I've read that one before. It  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨wasn't very interesting.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MEGADODO RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It says you must take a seat.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes, and that wasn't a very  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨interesting experience either. I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨fail to see the point of it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MEGADODO RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's a rule. There's a sign because  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you have to do it. Every time.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That seems redundant. I try not to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨do things twice unless I enjoyed  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨them the first time.

The receptionist is visibly done with this nonsense, pointing  
a tentacle at the metal folding chairs.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MEGADODO RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Take. A. Seat.

Ford glances at the folding chairs. There are a few not in  
use.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Okay, just to be clear, you want me  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to take one of those seats?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MEGADODO RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That is all I want.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And that would make you happy?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MEGADODO RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Elated.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You know what? Just for you, I'm  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨going to do just that.

Ford calmly walks over to the chairs, smiling at the  
receptionist.

He grabs one, gesturing as if seeking approval.

The receptionist approves.

With the chair, Ford runs into the corridor.

Ford is doing a pretty good job dodging people, but he's also  
being chased by two sentinel robots.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Stop immediately!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 2  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We would very much appreciate it if  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you were to stop immediately!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That's an order!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 2  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We would very much appreciate it if  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that's an order!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, I'd appreciate if you stop  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨chasing me, so it looks like we're  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨all having a bad day!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 2  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We're sorry to hear that!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨No we're not! We don't care!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 2  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We don't? That seems kind of harsh.

People are clearing out of the corridor.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We're sentinels. We're supposed to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨be harsh.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Says who?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 2  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yeah, I don't remember that being  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨in the job description.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's implied!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 2  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Is it, though?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(to Sentinel 1)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Your friend's got a point.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Look, if you don't stop running,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm going to have to shoot beams of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨concentrated slow light at you.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'd really rather you don't!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 2  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That's what those things are? How  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨does that even work?

Sentinel 1 shoots at Ford.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Like that.

The beam, being significantly slower than a bullet, is easy  
enough to block with the chair. It leaves a dent.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Hey! You didn't have to do that!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I warned you!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 2  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨To be fair, she did!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You're gonna side with her now?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We are literally on the side  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨opposing you!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, whose idea was that?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 1  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yours! You oppose us by running  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨away!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That is the exact opposite of what  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that word means. If I were running  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨toward you, I'd be opposing you.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You're the aggressor in this  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨scenario.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(points ahead)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm going that way.

Sentinel 1 shoots again. Ford blocks it with the chair.  
Another dent, the metal wears thin.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Hey!

Ford throws the chair at Sentinel 1, who goes down.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨SENTINEL 2  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm sorry, but I think you just  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨qualified yourself as hostile.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That was self defense! Also I only  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨had one of those things, so I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨assure you I'm quite harmless.

Sentinel 2 powers up her beam weapon.

Ford, dejected, stops right outside of his destination door,  
puts his hands up, holding the towel in one.

Sentinel 2 approaches Ford, detaches electronic handcuffs  
from inside her hip compartment and indicates for Ford to  
take his hands down.

Ford takes his hands down and wraps the towel around the  
sentinel's arms and face in a swift maneuver that I'm not  
sure makes sense.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, mostly.

Ford puts the cuffs on the sentinel.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Sorry about this.

Ford pulls the towel really fast. The sentinel drops.

Ford goes through the door, into the Editor in Chief's  
office. The sign on the door says "Neve Zermub, Editor in  
Chief"

  
INT. EDITOR IN CHIEF'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Ford slams the door shut. The office is dark, except for  
strips of dim light coming in through the blinds. There is  
part of a bare smashed lightbulb hanging from the ceiling.

NEVE ZERMUB is a really tired looking creature resembling a  
baggy puppet that's been under a motorcycle. She sits at a  
dusty desk, covered in cobwebs. She's surprised.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨NEVE ZERMUB  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Uh...what?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So, I got this Sub-Etha message to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨go check out some planet.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨NEVE ZERMUB  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Nobody comes in my office.

As Ford approaches Neve's desk, he steps on the glass under  
the light bulb, then brushes it aside with his shoe. He's  
peeved.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You might wanna fact check that.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Hi. So, good news... I've got your  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨zarkin' Traal entry. Real juicy  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨too, full of good advice on how not  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to get eaten. Fun fact about  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Ravenous Bugblatter Beasts: They're  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨profoundly unintelligent. They are  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨utterly convinced that if you can't  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨see them, they can't see you.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨NEVE ZERMUB  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So uh...what did you do?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I wrapped a towel around my head.

Neve couldn't care less.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨NEVE ZERMUB  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Okay. So why are you here?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Because I'm zarkin' displeased! You  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨sent me right into the swivel shear  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨teeth of a ravenous bugblatter  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨beast of Traal.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨NEVE ZERMUB  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And it made for an excellent and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨helpful entry, I'm sure. We're very  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨proud of you. You could just Sub-  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Etha it in. You don't have to come  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨here. In fact, we'd very much  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨prefer that you don't. We don't  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨like when people come here. That's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨why we make them wait in the lobby  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨until they get tired and leave.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We're very busy.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You don't look very busy.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨NEVE ZERMUB  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It took me a very long time and a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨lot of hard work to get this idle.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨A lot of hard work by a lot of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨people. None of whom I let in my  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨office.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I feel like you just brushed past  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the part where you tried to kill  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨me.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨NEVE ZERMUB  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We thought you could handle it. And  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you did. I don't see the part where  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨we were wrong.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We're a travel guide, not an  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨actively seek out danger guide.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨NEVE ZERMUB  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, as luck would have it, it  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨just so happens I just got a Sub-  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Etha message straight from  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Zarniwoop about one of our shorter  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨entries in need of some expanding.

Ford looks at the Editor in Chief with somewhat skeptical  
anticipation.

The Editor in Chief opens an entry on her own Guide copy (the  
latest model, factory fresh) and pushes it across the desk.  
It shows the Earth, turning on its axis.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨GUIDE (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Earth. Harmless.

Ford tries to stay on track, but he's tired. Defeated.  
Harmless sounds pretty good.

  
EXT. SOLAR SYSTEM - LATER

Earth, turning a whole lot slower on its axis.

SUPER: 14 years later...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Fourteen years!

  
INT. ISLINGTON FLAT - EVENING

It's a costume party. Must be October. Ford is very drunk.  
Must be evening. He's wearing a very unimpressive space alien  
costume, with springy antennae on his head. Must be cheap.  
He's talking to his less intoxicated friend Arthur Dent, who  
is dressed as Paddington but without any indication of being  
a bear because that's too much commitment.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Fourteen years I been here. Arthur!  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Do you know how many years that is?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Fourt--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Fourteen, Arthur! See, I have this  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨thing. It goes beep de-beep boop  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨when there's a thing. You know how  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨many things there have been in  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨fourteen years?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Uh...fourt--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨None! Zero things, Arthur! Not a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨single thing in fourteen belgium  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨years!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Ford. Every time you get drunk.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, every time you get very  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨drunk, which is most times, you  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨start saying things like this, and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I never know what you're talking  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨about.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Arthur! That is a fair criticism  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨and I will take that into  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨consideration while I go take a nap  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨in the flowers.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨How did you manage to get this  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨drunk anyway?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Good question! They don't have any  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Pan-Galactic Gargleblasters, not  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨even any Janx, but I figured out  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you can roughly approximate a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Jynnan Tonnyx by pouring tonic  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨water and gin over ice! The trick  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨is getting in the liquor cabinet.

Ford hands Arthur an electronic key fob looking thing.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You should stock up. Now about  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨those flowers...

Ford turns to TRICIA MCMILLAN, a woman of Middle Eastern  
descent, dressed as the Grim Reaper, complete with black  
cloak and skull-inspired makeup.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You, what's your name?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Uh, Tricia?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Correct! You're very good. Trish,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you take over for me while I look  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨for flowers in which to nap. Talk  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to Arthur Dent. He's your species  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨and everything.

Ford marches off, determined to find those flowers.

Tricia wasn't quite expecting that, but she lives for  
surprising turns of events and will pull any thread if it  
seems remotely interesting..

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Arthur, right? I'm Tricia.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨McMillan. Your alien friend said I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨should talk to you. I'm trusting  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨his judgment. I assume you're very  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨interesting?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, uh. Hi. He does that. And then  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I completely fail to live up to it.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's a thing we do.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I should get a friend like that.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm up for it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Are you offering to hook me up with  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨other guys while I'm semi flirting  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨with you?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm living under the assumption  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that I will have found a way to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨mess this up, so I'm preemptively  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨"friend zoning" myself to avoid the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨embarrassment. I've found it's a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨tremendous time saver.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Embarrassment is underrated. I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨think your friend would agree.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ CUT TO:

Ford has found the flowers and is napping in them. A device  
in his satchel goes "beep de-beep boop". He does not hear it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ CUT TO:

A bit later. Music is playing. Mint Royale or Fatboy Slim or  
something. Good ol' UK big beat to make all the  
thirtysomethings feel young. People are dancing like dorks.  
Arthur isn't, but Tricia is starting to get in the groove.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You should let loose a bit. Nobody  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨here is a good dancer.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes, well, wouldn't want to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨outshine them.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, come on. I'm hitting you with  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨top quality manic pixie here, it's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨my signature move, works every  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨time.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, it's working, I just don't have  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨any counter-moves. Which I guess  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨means you're winning.

PHIL saunters up, dressed as a pirate, complete with bird  
cage on his shoulder, with cloth over it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PHIL  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Hey, doll.

Tricia rolls with it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, ahoy there, matey. Is that your  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨parrot?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PHIL  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨He's a bit shy. I'm Phil.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PHIL (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yeah, that's it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, that's really clever. How did  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you do that?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(acting unimpressed,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ actually threatened)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Bluetooth speaker, I'm guessing.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PHIL  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Is this guy boring you? Why don't  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you talk to me instead? I'm from a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨different planet.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Do you dance?

  
EXT. BUS STOP OUTSIDE THE CITY - NIGHT

From a bus, Arthur and Ford emerge. Ford can't quite do the  
walking with just two legs, so Arthur provides an extra pair  
for support.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I mean, I probably wouldn't have  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨had a chance, anyway, would I?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, absolutely not. What are we  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨talking about?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Tricia. She probably went home with  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that guy.

Nearby, there is a motorway being made.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, yeah, that guy. What guy?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The "cool guy". Phil.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You're the cool guy. Whoever that  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨guy was, he's just this guy, you  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨know...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yeah, well, I blew it. There was an  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨opportunity right in front of me  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨and I didn't take it.

Arthur notices the road work stuff.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You've gotta stop self-sabotaging.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Look at me. I never miss an  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨opportunity. You've just gotta keep  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨your eyes open and your  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ears...open.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(holds open Arthur's ear)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Pry open those ear lids, Arthur!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Are they building a motorway? Why  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨haven't I heard anything about  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨this?

  
INT. ARTHUR'S HOUSE - DAY

Arthur is on his somewhat outdated Mac, trying to find any  
information about the bypass. Nothing specific to be found.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ CUT TO:

Later, Arthur is on the phone, pacing.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes, I've just been on hold for an  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨hour. I'm calling about the bypass?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOICE ON PHONE (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Which one?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The one currently being built  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨nearby. Which is what I'm sort of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨concerned about. From the direction  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨it's going, it looks like it might  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨end up going right past my house. I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨moved out here to get away from the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨noise, and if there's a bypass--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOICE ON PHONE (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You're worried it might get noisy.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes, and I feel like I should have  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨been informed of this. Preferably  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨before I moved here.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOICE ON PHONE (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You have nothing to worry about.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨How so?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOICE ON PHONE (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm looking at the plans for this  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨bypass, and it's not going past any  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨homes. Not within some radius.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨There shouldn't be any noise  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨problem.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You're sure about that?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOICE ON PHONE  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Absolutely.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ CUT TO:

TITLE: WEEKS LATER

  
INT. ARTHUR'S HOUSE - DAY

Arthur is looking out the window. The road work is still  
somewhat distant and slow, but is clearly proceeding in a  
straight line in his direction. It starts raining.

  
INT. CITY HALL - DAY

Arthur is talking to a receptionist or whatever they have at  
City Hall. He's wearing his only rain coat. The Paddington  
one.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm really worried about that  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨bypass.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You're supposed to take a seat and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨wait for your turn.

Arthur looks at the waiting area. There's nobody there.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm the only one here! Look. I was  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨told the bypass wouldn't go past my  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨house--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So your concerns have already been  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨addressed.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨No, because I can see it out of my  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨window and it's clearly heading  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨straight for my house. I need to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨see those plans, and if possible  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'd like to file a complaint.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We don't have those plans.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It certainly sounded like they were  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨here when I called, weeks ago.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I wasn't here then. I don't know  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨what they did or didn't have. Try  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the local planning office.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And where is that?

The receptionist shrugs.

Arthur looks it up on his phone.

He shows the results to the receptionist.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It just redirected me here.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Great! What can I help you with?

Arthur needs to collect himself. Somehow does.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The plans. For the bypass.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Please take a seat. Your request  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨will be processed shortly.

Arthur takes a seat.

Time passes.

A person also passes. Crying.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Are you okay? What's wrong?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CRYING PERSON  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I just wanted to change my address.

The crying person leaves.

Arthur rests his head on his hands.

He realizes the receptionist isn't doing anything.

Arthur gets up and approaches.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Excuse me...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Hm? Oh. Hello.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Anything?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Any what?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The bypass. Any luck?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, that. I did that half an hour  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ago.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Rude. And what?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Where are the plans?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh. They're on display, obviously.

Arthur looks around.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Where?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The display department. Where else?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And where is the "display  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨department"?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Do I have to do everything? There's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨a map on every floor.

Arthur walks over to the framed map of the building. He looks  
at the numbered list. "Display department" is barely visible  
under the very deliberate scratches in the plastic.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨CITY HALL RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You might need a torch!

  
INT. CITY HALL BASEMENT - LATER

It is pitch dark.

THUMP

THUMP

SMACK! The door comes off its rusted hinges and falls into  
the basement with Arthur on it. The stairs are missing. Light  
streams in and what we see of the basement is covered with  
graffiti and scattered papers and other trash. We hear a rat  
scurry.

Arthur is in about the amount of pain you'd expect.

Can he get up?

Yes, but not without some difficulty.

He turns on the flashlight and takes in his surroundings.  
This place is disgusting. We might as well be watching a  
horror movie. Good thing there's an old ladder on the floor.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Lovely.

He finds a light switch and flicks it. Nothing happens, so he  
flicks it off again.

He looks at the papers on the floor. Hopefully it's not one  
of those.

He reaches a door. There's a bathroom sign, crossed over, and  
"DISPLAY DEPARTMENT" spray painted above it. That too is  
crossed over with a thick marker, and below both, a piece of  
printer paper with "BEWARE OF THE LEOPARD" written in marker.

Arthur knocks on the door and listens for any sign of a  
leopard.

Nothing.

He opens the door.

It's an abandoned multi-stall rest room. In it, a filing  
cabinet that has seen better days.

He pulls on the top drawer. The cabinet is locked.

He looks around the room.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Key?

Arthur has a realization. It's a long shot, but he produces  
from his pocket Ford's key fob looking thing.

He makes a guess at how to use it and pushes it against the  
lock. It makes mechanical noises.

The cabinet unlocks. Arthur is pleasantly surprised by this,  
but it raises questions about Ford he doesn't want to think  
about.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Ford...

He looks through the drawers, and in the bottom one, finds  
the right folder.

  
INT. CITY HALL - MOMENTS LATER

Arthur sits in the waiting area, reading. Flashlight next to  
him, off.

Whatever he's reading, it's not good.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ CUT TO:

  
INT. SOME RANDO'S APARTMENT - SAME TIME

Ford is in someone's apartment. We don't know what he's doing  
there. It doesn't matter. That's just the kind of guy he is.

His phone rings.

He answers it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Ford Prefect dry cleaning. We dry  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨your cleaning and that's it.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨...I see.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨...I will be there.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ CUT TO:

  
INT. PUB - EVENING

Ford and Arthur are distracting themselves at the pub. This  
is pretty much a mini-montage of sad and angry drinking,  
pretending to have fun, as the camera seems to get drunker  
along with them. It gets wobbly, can't seem to hold focus,  
and eventually blacks out.

  
INT. ARTHUR'S HOUSE - MORNING

It's still black, but sound gets less muffled as we start  
hearing the rumblings outside.

As Arthur opens his eyes and we fade in on him in bed and  
getting out of it, we kind of go through the same camera  
process backwards. Struggling to find focus, wobbling  
gradually into more stable movement.

Arthur slips his dressing gown on and walks with heavy steps  
out of the room. The camera is still as hung over as he is.

He looks out the window. There's a yellow bulldozer there,  
but he doesn't react to it.

He finds his slippers and slips his feet into them.

He trudges to the bathroom, where we get into a more fast  
editing style. Requiem for a hangover.

Toothpaste on toothbrush.

Brush teeth.

Spit.

Adjust shaving mirror, past another bulldozer and unto his  
face.

Shave.

Wash.

Dry.

Door.

Kitchen.

Kettle, plug, fridge, milk, coffee. Yawn.

We slow down for a moment as Arthur stares at the bulldozer,  
still not quite processing it.

Quick close-up of the yellow metal.

Bathroom. Glass of water. Chug. Fill another. Chug.

Arthur stares at himself in the bathroom mirror. Breathes on  
his hand and smells it. Yup.

As he moves away, the bulldozer appears briefly in the  
shaving mirror again.

Another close-up flash of yellow metal.

Arthur stomps back to the bedroom.

A flash of the pub.

Angry Arthur.

Right. That happened.

He looks out the window again. This time it clicks.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ CUT TO:

  
EXT. ARTHUR'S HOUSE - MORNING

Arthur is lying down in the mud in front of the bulldozer.

PROSSER, the person in charge of tearing the house down,  
isn't happy about this.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Come off it, Mr. Dent, you can't  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨win, you know. You can't lie in  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨front of the bulldozer  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨indefinitely.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm game! We'll see who rusts  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨first!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm afraid you're going to have to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨accept it. This bypass has got to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨be built and it's going to be  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨built.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Why has it got to be built?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's a bypass! You've got to build  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨bypasses. You were quite entitled  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to make any suggestions or protests  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨at the appropriate time, you know.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨At the appropriate time?! I only  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨found out yesterday! I asked about  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨it earlier and they said it  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨wouldn't pass my house. They didn't  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨tell me it was because there  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨wouldn't be a house.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The plans were on display.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'll let you know when that word  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨regains any semblance of meaning.

A shadow falls over them, and the house.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's not as if it's a particularly  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨nice house.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm sorry, but I happen to like it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You'll like the bypass.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, shut up. Shut up and go away.

Ford leans over Arthur, eclipsing the sun. Satchel over one  
shoulder, towel over the other.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Look, are you busy?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Am I busy? Well, I've just got all  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨these bulldozers and things to lie  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨in front of because they'll knock  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨my house down if I don't, but other  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨than that...well, no, not  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨especially, why?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Good. We need to talk.

Prosser walks over to the demolition workers.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So talk.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And drink.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Again?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes. It's vitally important. We'll  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨go to the pub.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What are you not getting? These  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨people want to knock my house down!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, they can do that while you're  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨away, can't they?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I don't want them to.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Ah. Well, this is more important.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨How could it possibly be more  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨important? I'm about to be  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨homeless.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Believe me, that's the best case  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨scenario. If that happens, you're  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the luckiest human being currently  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨on this planet. Now, I'm about to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨tell you the most important thing  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you've ever heard, but the only way  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I can tell you is at the pub.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Why?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Because you're going to need a very  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨stiff drink.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨But what about my house?

Ford looks over at Prosser.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm sure we can come to some  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨arrangement. Excuse me!

Prosser comes back over.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Has Mr. Dent come to his senses  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨yet?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Can we for the moment assume that  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨he hasn't?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And can we also assume that he's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨going to be staying here all day?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So all your people are going to be  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨standing around all day doing  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨nothing?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Could be, could be...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, if you're resigned to doing  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that anyway, you don't actually  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨need him to lie here the whole time  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨do you?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Wha--uh...no?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So if you would just like to take  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨it as read that he's actually here,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨then he and I could slip off down  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to the pub for half an hour. How  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨does that sound?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(insincere but reassuring)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That sounds perfectly reasonable.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And of course, if you'd like to pop  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨off for a quick one later on, we'll  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨cover for you in return. Sound  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨good?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(confused almost into  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ sincerity)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That sounds...nice...yes... Thank  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Great! Now, if you could just lie  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨down here...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, obviously someone's got to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨keep the bulldozers from knocking  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the house down. It's very simple.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨My client, Mr. Dent, says that he  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨will stop lying here in the mud on  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the sole condition that you come  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨and take over from him.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What are you talk--?

Ford nudges Arthur with his foot, then proceeds to nod in  
confirmation at everything Prosser says.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You want me...to come and lie  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨there..? In front of the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨bulldozer... Instead of Mr. Dent.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨In the mud. In return for which,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you'll take Mr. Dent with you down  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to the pub?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You're getting it! That is exactly  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨my proposal.

Prosser steps nervously forward.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Promise?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I swear on my towel.

Ford turns to Arthur.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Come on. Get up and let uh--  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨wassyername?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PROSSER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Prosser.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Let Prosser here lie down.

Arthur sits up. He and Prosser are both as if dreaming.  
Wanting to question the situation but compelled to go along  
with it by the sheer oddness of it.

Arthur stands.

Prosser takes his place as Ford begins walking.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And no sneaky knocking down Mr  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Dent's house whilst he's away,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨alright?

Prosser, not sure if sincere or not, gives a thumbs up and a  
confused smile.

Arthur follows Ford, repeatedly looking back at Prosser in  
disbelief.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨But can we trust him?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Me, I'd trust him till the end of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the world.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh yes, and how far is that?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, about twelve minutes. Come on,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I need a drink.

  
INT. PUB - MOMENTS LATER

There's footy on the telly. Red Alert by Basement Jaxx plays  
softly in the background.

The BARKEEP slides over the sixth of six full pints of bitter  
to Ford. Ford hasn't even started drinking, but he will be,  
between his lines.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨"A drink," eh?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨A drink, three drinks, not my fault  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨there's no three pint glass.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That's six.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes it is. You're very good. Drink  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨up. You've got three to get  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨through.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Three pints? At lunchtime?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Time is an illusion. Lunchtime  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨doubly so. Drink up.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Why?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Muscle relaxant. You'll need it.

Arthur gives Ford a look that says "if this is normal, I  
haven't been paying attention".

Ford gives Arthur a look that says "I'm not kidding". Arthur  
will be drinking between lines too, trying to keep up.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Alright. I'll try to explain. How  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨long have we known each other?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I don't know, five years, maybe  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨six? Most of it seemed to make some  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨sense at the time.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Are you familiar with Betelgeuse?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The film?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The star.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Keaton?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What? No, the other one.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Winona Ryder?

Ford tries another angle.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨How would you react if I told you I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨was from a planetary system about  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨six hundred forty-two and a half  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨light years away?

Arthur drinks.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Why, do you think that's the sort  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨of thing you're likely to say?

Ford gives up. He may also have finished his drinks at this  
point.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Drink up. The world's about to end.

Arthur tries to non-verbally connect with the rest of the  
pub.

The gesture is actively not reciprocated.

Arthur stares into his drink. Flash of yellow metal.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨This must be Thursday. I never  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨could get the hang of Thursdays.

Arthur drinks.

  
EXT. FAR ABOVE THE EARTH'S SURFACE - SAME TIME

Yellow, metal, dirty and scratched up, roughly brick-shaped,  
decorated with strips of black-and-yellow diagonal stripes,  
an enormous VOGON SHIP slowly and silently moves into  
position.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Did I ever tell you about the thing  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that goes beep de-beep boop when  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨there's a thing?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I dunno. Sounds vaguely familiar.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Why?

As we pull back, we see that it is one of many, neatly  
organized in a pattern.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I had to put it on silent. This is  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨more than just a thing. It's a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨whole lot of things, and then a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨whole lot of nothing.

  
INT. PUB - SAME TIME

Having pulled it from his satchel, Ford puts his Sub-Etha  
Sens-O-Matic down on the bar. It's blinking furiously and  
showing full bars. (It might be a standalone device or a  
built-in feature of the Guide, located on the back.)

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You got a towel with you?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Why? What-- no, should I have?

Ford sighs, disappointed. He points at Arthur's last pint.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You might wanna finish that.

Arthur tries his best to finish that.

He is interrupted by a rumble outside, which grabs his  
attention.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Don't worry. They haven't started  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨yet.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, good.

Arthur drinks. Ford puts his device back in his satchel.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That's probably just your house  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨being knocked down.

Arthur puts his not quite empty glass down.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What?!

Snapped out of his suggestible state, Arthur runs over to the  
window.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨They bloody are! What the Hell am I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨doing at the pub, Ford?!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It hardly makes any difference. Let  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨them have their fun.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Fun?

Arthur looks out the window again.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Damn their fun!

He runs out, barking semi-coherent complaints and insults  
probably best ad-libbed.

At the same time, Ford turns to the Barkeep.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Four packets of peanuts, please.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And I'm so sorry about your planet.

The Barkeep slaps four packets of peanuts on the bar. Ford  
overpays.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Keep the change. Not that you'll  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨have time to spend it.

As Ford stuffs the packets in his pockets, the Barkeep  
glances over at the TV, where the footballers are all  
standing transfixed, looking up at the sky.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BARKEEP  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You serious about that end of the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨world business?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm afraid so.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BARKEEP  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And there's nothing we can do?

Ford gets off his bar stool.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Not that I'm aware of.

He moves toward the exit.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨DAY DRINKER  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Aren't we supposed to like, lie  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨down or put paper bags over our  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨heads or summat?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(trying to be reassuring)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨If you like.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BARKEEP  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Will that help?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(sorry)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Not at all.

He exits into a sprint.

The Barkeep clears their throat. Not enough.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BARKEEP  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Last orders, please.

  
EXT. ARTHUR'S HOUSE - MOMENTS LATER

Arthur is all over the Kübler-Ross model. Five stages of  
grief all happening simultaneously.

His house is being demolished.

Ford catches up to him in the middle of a particularly  
inarticulate drunken rant.

A large, rectangular shadow falls over what's left of  
Arthur's house, over the bulldozers, and over him.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Arthur!

Arthur doesn't notice the shadow.

Prosser and everyone else has stopped everything and are now  
looking up.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yeah, that's right!

Arthur doesn't notice that what they're looking at is a Vogon  
ship.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Now, you're going to have to pay  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨for all the damage you--

Ford reaches out to Arthur, who stumbles backward and lands  
in the dirt.

Now he notices. He points up.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What the hell is that?!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(Under his breath)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Good news and bad news.

Brief MONTAGE of speakers and other surfaces beginning to  
vibrate, everywhere. The message is heard everywhere in the  
world.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨People of Earth, your attention  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨please. This is Prostetnic Vogon  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Jeltz of the Galactic Hyperspace  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Planning Council.

Arthur finds this very odd. He is not alone in that, but Ford  
is not among the surprised.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ (V.O.) (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨As you will no doubt be aware, the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨plans for development of the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨outlying regions of the Galaxy  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨require the building of a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨hyperspatial express route through  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨your system, and regrettably your  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨planet is one of those scheduled  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨for demolition. The process will  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨take slightly less than two of your  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Earth minutes. Thank you.

The transmission cuts out.

Brief MONTAGE of panic all over the world. (And the music  
keeps on playing on and on.)

Arthur remains dumbfounded.

The transmission comes back on.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ (V.O.) (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨There's no point in acting all  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨surprised about it. All the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨planning charts and demolition  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨orders have been on display in your  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨local planning department on Alpha  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Centauri for fifty of your Earth  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨years, so you've had plenty of time  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to lodge any formal complaint and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨it's far too late to start making a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨fuss about it now.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Is...is this what you were talking  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨about?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨This is the bad news, yeah.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What do you mean you've never been  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to Alpha Centauri? For pity's sake,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨humanity, it's only four light  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨years away you know. I'm sorry, but  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨if you can't be bothered to take an  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨interest in local affairs, that's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨your own lookout.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(Away from mic)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Energize the demolition beams. I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨don't know, apathetic bloody  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨planet, I've no sympathy at all.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And the good news?

Ford puts his arm over Arthur's shoulders and the towel over  
both of their heads.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Hold on.

There is a glowing thumb symbol on the back of the Guide.  
Ford pushes it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨This might not work.

We pull back all the way out to space. The Earth is  
surrounded by a neatly organized pattern of Vogon ships.

The particle cloud that used to be the Earth is surrounded by  
a neatly organized pattern of Vogon ships.

There is a neatly organized pattern of Vogon ships around  
where the Earth used to be.

  
EXT. DAMOGRAN - DAY

On a micro-island in a vast ocean, a space ship is covered by  
an enormous tarp. There's a press conference table set up and  
people (various alien creatures and the odd robot) doing  
whatever people do at car shows, boat shows, prestige  
unveilings, presidential appearances and apparently whatever  
this is.

There is also a woman at the shore, brown dress and red  
headscarf blowing in the breeze. She's waiting.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BEPHYX (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨All that tedious mucking about in  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨hyperspace is about to be a thing  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨of the past!

Two alien commentators of different unknown species, BEPHYX  
and FNEEN, are at a desk with space microphones.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FNEEN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Can you believe it?

Bephyx covers her mic with her hand and leans toward the  
other commentator.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BEPHYX  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Of course I can, Fneen, I said it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FNEEN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I was hyping you up for the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨audience.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BEPHYX  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh. Right.

Bephyx takes her hand off the mic.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BEPHYX (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Welcome to beautiful Damogran!  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Today is the unveiling of the Heart  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨of Gold, the first working  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨prototype spacecraft with the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨revolutionary infinite  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨improbability drive!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FNEEN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, wow! I've heard of the finite  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨improbability field generator.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Popular mathematician party trick.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What makes this any different,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Bephyx?

Bephyx covers her mic again.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BEPHYX  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨They told us at the briefing. Are  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you okay?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FNEEN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm speaking on behalf of the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨audience.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BEPHYX  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I thought you said you were  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨speaking to them.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FNEEN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm acting as a sort of mediator.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Look.

Fneen returns her focus to the camera.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FNEEN (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Fun fact: The infinite  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨improbability drive sprung into  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨existence when a janitor cleaning  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨up after one of those mathematician  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨parties fed some numbers, the very  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨same probability calculations the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨mathematicians had used to deem it  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨virtually impossible, into the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨finite improbability field  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨generator. It practically invented  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨itself!

We pull out from the old Sub-Etha-vision (sci-fi equivalent  
of TV)...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BEPHYX  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Your knowledge base is very  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨inconsistent and I'm worried about  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you.

...and find ourselves in:

  
INT. VOGON SHIP - KITCHEN STAFF QUARTERS

Ford is on the floor, coming to, still drunk but he'd be even  
more nauseous if he weren't. He's still holding on to the  
towel, and to a lesser extent Arthur. The room is darkish. A  
bit dank. Perhaps even grimy. The mattresses are unwashed.  
We're in a grungy sci-fi setting that's also a bedroom,  
albeit barely. There is a fish tank with tiny fish by the  
wall.

On the Sub-Etha-vision, there appears to be one or possibly  
two entangled individuals on a speedboat-jetski-thing,  
wearing some kind of darkish ceremonial garb and helmets,  
zipping across the water toward the tarped ship.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FNEEN (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Hey, is that the president?

Arthur also comes to, somewhat, not only intoxicated and  
nauseous but in considerable agony.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨BEPHYX (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I don't know, but I imagine you're  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨about to tell me.

Ford fumbles for a remote and manages to shut the Sub-Etha-  
vision up.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Arthur. You okay?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'll let you know when that word  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨regains any semblance of meaning.

Ford presents Arthur with an opened bag of peanuts.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨First time through matter  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨transference, you'll have lost a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨lot of salt and protein. Have some  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨peanuts.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Urgh?

Arthur takes the suggestion (and peanuts).

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨The beer should have cushioned your  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨system a bit.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨M-hm. If I asked you where we are,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨would I regret it?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We're safe.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, good.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We're in the Dentrassi sleeping  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨quarters of the Vogon mothership.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Ah. This is obviously some strange  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨new definition of the word "safe"  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that I wasn't previously aware of.

Ford opens his Guide and speaks into it, in a language that  
sounds more like belching than speech.

It responds in the same language. Ford's body language says  
"See? Pretty neat, right?"

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Why are you having a burping  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨contest with your palm pilot?

Ford realizes his mistake and stops the Guide entry.

Ford reaches into the fish tank, chasing the right fish.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's not a palm pilot, it's The  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It'll tell you everything about how  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to survive in space.

He grabs a small, slim fish and holds it out for Arthur to  
grab (which he doesn't).

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Here, put this fish in your ear.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What?

Ford gestures with the fish.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Do you have to say "what" every  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨time I make a perfectly sensible  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨suggestion?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You'll have to excuse me but I'm  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨having a terribly strange day.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, I'm having the least strange  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨day I've had in almost fifteen  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨years, so could you at least try to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨see things from my perspective?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, it would help if I had any  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨idea what your perspective was.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨This will help. Trust me.

He puts the fish in Arthur's hand. Arthur hesitatingly grabs  
it by the caudal fin.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I've got one. It's done me nothing  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨but good.

Arthur brings it up to his ear, still a bit disturbed. It  
reaches. Wants to get in there.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Is--is it safe?

It slips from his grip and leaps into his ear canal,  
disappearing from view.

Arthur reacts naturally. A bit of disgust, a bit of panic,  
mostly it's just weird.

Ford speaks into the Guide again.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Buuuurplay me the entry for  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨"Safety". Quick mode.

Cue minimalistic animation, possibly intercut with relevant  
documentary style footage and cheap dramatization. The Guide  
speaks fast.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨GUIDE (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Safety is an abstract concept  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨traditionally regarded as the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨opposite of danger. Like danger, it  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨is a sliding scale. In fact, it is  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the same sliding scale, viewed from  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨a position of standing on ones  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨head. The lowest point is widely  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨accepted as certain death. For a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨long time, the highest point was  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨believed to be boredom, but since  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨it has been observed that boredom  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨frequently leads people to actively  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨seek out danger, this view has been  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨abandoned in favor of a circular  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨model, later modified to an oval as  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the hypothesis of absolute safety  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨was officially classified as a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨thing parents talk about. The  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Organization for Absolute Safety in  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Interstellar Space (or OASIS) is  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨convinced against all evidence and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨logical proof that there must be  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨such a thing as absolute safety,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨and spend their lives in pursuit of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨it. Due to the inherent danger of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨such a lifestyle, they have been  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨classified as a death cult and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨banned in most civilized Milky Way  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨systems.

Arthur is just shaking off the flabberghastedness. He touches  
his ear.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's translating.

Ford is searching the room for anything remotely useful.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Not exactly. It's eating the spoken  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨language and stray brainwaves and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨pooping the intent behind the words  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨right into your language center.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨But I'm hearing English. Sorry, did  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨you say it was pooping in my ear?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨That's just your subconscious  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨rationalizing understanding a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨language it knows it doesn't know.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Brain, not ear.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨How did they make this? Robotics?  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Genetic manipulation? IT'S POOPING  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨IN MY BRAIN?!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Only brainwaves, perfectly normal.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Nobody made it, it evolved like  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that. Some consider it conclusive  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨proof of the nonexistence of God.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Don't you mean the other way  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨around?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Think about what you're saying.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's too obvious. God wouldn't give  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨himself away like that, dropping  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨clues like some kind of incompetent  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Riddler. Now that's blasphemy. They  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨wormholed Oolon Colluphid for even  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨suggesting that, and he was a man  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨of deep faith. He came back, but he  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨had to publicly apologize and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨denounce his faith just to get the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨religious mob off his back. That's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨when he wrote "Well, That About  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Wraps It Up For God".

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Religious people made him an  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨atheist?  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(Thinks about it)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨...Sounds about right. So in what  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨way are we safe exactly?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We've been rescued. We're on the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨main ship of the Vogon constructor  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨fleet, which is better than being  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨separated.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨On different ships?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Into molecules.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And whats a Vogon?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨They're the worst.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What, they're just evil?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Even worse than that. They're  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨bureaucrats. Wouldn't even lift a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨finger to save their own  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨grandmothers from the Ravenous  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Bugblatter Beast of Traal without  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨orders signed in triplicate, sent  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨in, sent back, queried, lost,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨found, subjected to public inquiry,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨lost again, and finally buried in  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨soft peat for three months and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨recycled as firelighters.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨No need for hyperbole.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I'm quoting the Guide verbatim.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And the Guide is factual and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨unbiased?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes. Mostly. Ish. Actually, I wrote  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that bit. It's my job. I was  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨researching your planet before they  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨demolished it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨WHAT?!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨There it is again. Try not to think  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨about that for now. I need you  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨calm. It's not as if it was a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨particularly nice planet.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, I happened to like it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Did you though? In any case, I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨think given the situation, we can  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨both agree that Vogons are the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨worst. You should hear their  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨poetry. Actually, that bit is  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨hyperbole. You absolutely  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨shouldn't, under any circumstance.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Okay, yes, they're bad. So how come  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨they rescued us?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨They didn't.

The speaker system crackles on.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨This is Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨speaking. It has been brought to my  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨attention that we have hitchhikers  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨on board. Security, bring them to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨me. And submit a request for me to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨fire the kitchen staff. Bloody  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Dentrassi. This is not appropriate  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨use of the Sub-Etha network.

Ford doesn't like the sound of that. He grabs Arthur by the  
dressing gown.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Belgium. Come on.

  
INT. VOGON SHIP - CORRIDOR

Ford and Arthur sneak.

They hide.

They immediately get caught by one of the Vogon security  
personnel. By the way, a Vogon is big, green, hideous and has  
their nose smashed up in the forehead region.

  
INT. VOGON SHIP - PROSTETNIC OFFICE

Arthur and Ford are uncomfortably restrained.

Jeltz is preparing. He's an older Vogon.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Are they going to torture us?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I certainly hope so. The  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨alternative is too gruesome to even  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨imagine.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, frettled gruntbuggly!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(Under his breath)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh no...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What?

Jeltz emotes. Not well, but this is clearly "deeply  
personal".

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Thy micturations are to me, as  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨plurdled gabbleblotchits on a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨lurgid bee!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I think my fish is broken.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Groop! I implore thee, my foonting  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨turlingdromes!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's not transl--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And hooptiously drangle me with  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨crinkly bindlewurdles--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Those aren't words.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨My god...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨--or I will rend thee in the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨gobberwarts with my  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨blurglecruncheon, see if I don't.

Jeltz is very proud of that one.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Now, Earthlings--

Ford considers correcting him but decides against it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨--I will give you a choice. You can  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨either die in the vacuum of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨space...OR... tell me how good you  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨thought my poem was.

Ford can't choose. He barely even survived the poem.

Arthur is perfectly fine.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Actually, I quite liked it.

Ford is shocked.

Jeltz also was not expecting that response.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh? Uh. Good.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh yes, I thought that some of the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨metaphysical imagery was really  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨particularly effective.

Ford tries to wrap his head around this strategy.

Jeltz is intrigued.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, do go on.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, and er, interesting rhythmic  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨devices too, which seemed to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨counterpoint the er--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨--the underlying metaphor of the--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Humanity?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Vogonity.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Ah yes, the vogonity, sorry, of the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨poet's compassionate soul, which  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨contrives through the medium of the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨verse structure to sublimate this,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨transcend that, and come to terms  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨with the fundamental dichotomies of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the other, and one is left with a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨profound and vivid insight into--  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨into--er--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Into whatever the poem was about!  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(Under his breath)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Nailed it.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ CUT TO:

Arthur and Ford get dragged out by a VOGON GUARD.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨JELTZ  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Vogonity of my compassionate soul!  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What kind of namby-pamby do they  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨take me for? I write to proudly  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨underline the toxicity of my  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨fragile, over-inflated masculine  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ego!

  
INT. VOGON SHIP - CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

The Vogon Guard has Arthur and Ford in respective headlocks,  
walking them toward wherever the airlock is.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOGON GUARD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Resistance is useless!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes, I rather thought it might be,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨thank you for confirming.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What about compliance? I'm  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨perfectly happy to try that if--

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOGON GUARD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Compliance is useless!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨See, you're going about this all  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨wrong. You've got to lead with  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨incentive.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOGON GUARD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Incentive is useless!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Is that what they told you? That's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨very sad if they did.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Sad?! My planet was destroyed and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨we're about to be thrown out of an  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨airlock, and you're worried about  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the murderer's feelings?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes, well, try to see it from his  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨perspective.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOGON GUARD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Perspective is useless!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨See?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨This is absurd.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨And all they have you do is throw  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨people about, declaring things  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨useless? Do you even like your job?

The Vogon Guard stops in his tracks. He hasn't thought of  
that before. Or, indeed, anything.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOGON GUARD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨... Well, the hours are quite good.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Then again, come to think of it,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨the actual minutes leave a lot to  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨be desired.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So...wouldn't you rather be doing  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨something else?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOGON GUARD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Such as what?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Anything! That's the point. You get  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨to decide for yourself.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOGON GUARD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Make my own decisions?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOGON GUARD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Based on my own hopes, dreams and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨personal judgment?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Exactly that!

The Vogon Guard thinks this over.

The Vogon Guard tosses Ford and Arthur in the airlock.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨VOGON GUARD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Ehh...too much pressure. Decisions  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨are useless!

The Vogon presses a button and the airlock closes around Ford  
and Arthur.

  
INT. VOGON SHIP - AIRLOCK - CONTINUOUS

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So, what part of the oval is this?

Ford points to the words "DON'T PANIC" on his copy of the  
Guide.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Why, have you got a plan?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I did think of one, yes.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, good.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It required us to be on the other  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨side of this door, but apart from  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So we're definitely going to die,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨then.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yes. Oh. Wait. No...

Ford frantically searches his pockets and satchel.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You got something?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨My lock pick...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, you gave that to me. You were  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨drunk. And then I lost it.

Ford contemplates getting mad at Arthur, then at himself,  
then decides it's a wash.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Too bad. We could really have used  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So explain to me why we shouldn't  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨panic.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Panic is useless.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You know, it's times like this when  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I wish I had listened to what my  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨mother told me when I was little.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Why, what did she tell you?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I don't know; I wasn't listening.

Ford opens the Guide, types something in and hands it to  
Arthur.

  
EXT. SPACE

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨GUIDE (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Space...is big. Really big. You  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨just won't believe how vastly  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨hugely mindboggingly big it is. I  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨mean you may think it's a long way  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨down the road to the chemist, but  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨that's just peanuts to space.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Listen--

  
INT. VOGON SHIP - AIRLOCK

Ford is reaching over and touching the screen of the Guide,  
and it sounds like fast forwarding a tape with the tape head  
on.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Actually, you can probably skip  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨this part.

  
EXT. SPACE - AGAIN

We see the Vogon fleet, the main ship, the airlock...

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨GUIDE (V.O.)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨If you hold a lungful of air you  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨can survive in the total vacuum of  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨space for about thirty seconds.

As the airlock opens, Arthur and Ford get sucked out into  
space.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨GUIDE (V.O.) (CONT’D)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨However, what with space being the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨mind boggling size it is, the  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨chances of getting picked up by  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨another ship within those thirty  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨seconds are two to the power of two  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨hundred and sixty-seven thousand  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨seven hundred and nine to one  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨against.

Those numbers appear on screen.

No, not on screen. In space.

Ford and Arthur can see them.

Ford is so shocked, he accidentally exhales. He then  
discovers he can breathe.

Arthur follows his lead, as the stars disappear one by one.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What the-

Ford is just staring at the numbers.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Yeah... Weird coincidence.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Hm?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨I know that number. It's a phone  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨number.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Who memorizes phone numbers  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨anymore?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You might not get this because you  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨don't understand the significance  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨of a man who always knows where his  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨towel is, but I'm one hoopy frood.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Sorry, I don't know what that  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨means.

Ford finds his footing. He is no longer floating. He stands  
in the darkness, lit only by the numbers.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It means I'm a really, really  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨together guy. People trust me. They  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨invite me places. And I never, ever  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨forget a phone number. I definitely  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨remember being invited there. They  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨had a landline.

Arthur manages to put his feet down as well.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨So what happened?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨How am I supposed to remember that?

The number is dropping, inching gradually toward 1:1.

Ford finds the light switch. Flips it.

  
INT. HEART OF GOLD - WHITE ROOM - CONTINUOUS

They're in a white room. The number 1:1 is on a screen. There  
is a sci-fi door.

The door opens with a sigh of satisfaction. A robot enters.  
Designed to look friendly, but carries himself in a way that  
conveys great sadness.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MARVIN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh. It's you two.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Uh, why, do you know us?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MARVIN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨No, but I know maths, and there's  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨two of you, which means the number  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨of people on this ship I can't  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨stand just doubled.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨How do you know you can't stand us?  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We just met seconds ago.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MARVIN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨At the speed my brain works, I've  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨known you for an eternity and  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨already grown tired of you. Come  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨with me. Or don't, see if I care.

They follow him out of the room, into the corridor.

  
INT. HEART OF GOLD - CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨This is an infinite improbability  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ship, isn't it?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MARVIN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Obviously. What gave that away? The  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨fact that you're not dead?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Well, yes, that being virtually  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨impossible... So this has to be a  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨government operation. But what  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨government?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MARVIN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Ford is very surprised to hear that name.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh. So not a government, then.  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(to Arthur)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨It's stolen.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨MARVIN  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨You're only half wrong.

  
INT. HEART OF GOLD - BRIDGE - CONTINUOUS

This is the state-of-the-artest luxury ship interior you've  
seen.

Oh, and "Phil" is here. He's got two heads and three arms and  
is wearing his ceremonial garb. His secondary head is still  
wearing a helmet, with the visor up. Arthur squints, trying  
to process anything at all. Phil's girlfriend with the hijab  
is busy working behind a thing. Ford and Phil are both  
playing it cool and anticipating the other to be shocked.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PHIL  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Heeeey, Ix! How ya been?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, hey, Zaphod, what's up? This is  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨my friend Arthur, his planet just  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨got blown up. Arthur, this is my  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨cousin, Zaphod.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Oh, we've met.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨FORD  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨What?!

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨PHIL  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨We have?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨How've you been, "Phil"?

Tricia peeks out from behind the thing.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨TRICIA  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨Paddington?!

Arthur puts two and two together.

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ARTHUR  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨...Tricia McMillan?!  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨(realizes it's obvious)  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨...Oh. Yeah, you would be here,  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨wouldn't you?

¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ CUT TO BLACK.

  
OVER CREDITS: "THANK YOU" BY DIDO.

**Author's Note:**

> I anticipate somebody's going to be confused that I created Neve Zermub instead of using Zarniwoop, whose role is, at least on the surface, very similar. That's complicated and to be honest I've forgotten a lot of what I had in my head while writing it, but basically I wanted the Editor in Chief and the CEO to be separate entities, partially because they might have different motives. This is all hypothetical long term big picture grand conspiracy plotting stuff that would only matter if this were a real show, so it's basically just me overthinking it. 
> 
> I also anticipate that somebody will note that the Megadodo sentinel robots are basically the Blagulon Kappan cops crossed with the philosophers, to which I say...yes. I wanted a scene in the style of those scenes without transcribing either of them (because I figured it would help me find the voice), so I wrote one. It's also a quick way to establish what kind of person Ford is.
> 
> As for the odd song choices, the lyrics were just too fitting.


End file.
